@Tobi_Is_Fab
@MaraWilson ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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@MaraWilson 
@Book_Krazy Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
@TheAndrewNadeau me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
@rhysjamesy Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
@heidi420x The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
@LuvPug I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
@rn_murse reduce, reuse, recycle
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
@PwrFulWmn You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
@SCOOPISMS If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.