if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

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ME: I know a good amount of things


Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced


me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part


Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.