if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??