ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.