If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I know karate and tons of other words.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.