If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Found the job I’m suited for
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back