If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Not today
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
so this horse walks into a bar
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents