if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
*ernest hemingway voice*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.