If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
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Choose your fighter!
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.