if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
guys I’m going home
I ate everything, including the H.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes