If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
You Might Also Like
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
That’s no pocket rocket.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?