If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN