If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
#TopTip
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Ha
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.