Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.