If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine