“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row