If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
me and my fake scenarios
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Breaking news:
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.