If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
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