If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
That eye roll….
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
two people or more is called a problem
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.