If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.