@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

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@QwertyJones3

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

@thewritertype

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

@XplodingUnicorn

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

@WilliamRodgers

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

@Mydaily_Q

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@_NTFG_

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant