@QwertyJones3 Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
@trevso_electric If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You Might Also Like
@QwertyJones3 
@thewritertype Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
@Laser_Cat They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
@LeBearGirdle *Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
@QwertyJones3 I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
@XplodingUnicorn Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
@WilliamRodgers If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
@Mydaily_Q *Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
@noog Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
@_NTFG_ I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant