If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You Might Also Like
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Breaking news:
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.