If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Y’all know who you are.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell