If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
kevin is now a local weatherman
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.