If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The little toadstool has spoken.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.