If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
vegan witches, happy halloween!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.