@carlyken A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
@trevso_electric If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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@carlyken 
@Try2StopME Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
@KindaHagi “Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
@subtweetopath HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
@LeonEarlgrey “A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
@Boleyngirly When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
@SumukhComedy Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
@bourgeoisalien No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
@slimmy_shady Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
@Reverend_Scott Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*