A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*