If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*