If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
that de-escalated quickly
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year