“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Expect the unexporcupine.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.