If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.