If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
TRAIN’S HERE
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”