If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Somebody call the cops.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”