If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano