@cluedont

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

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@HomeProbably

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

@twink_mufc

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

@KarlreMarks

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@BombChelleMama_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@Aspersioncast

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

@stevevsninjas

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

@david8hughes

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.