If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…