If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
You Might Also Like
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
We’ve all been there…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS