If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.


“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(


I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.


“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children


Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.


Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.


I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁