If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday