If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A woman drives into a bar.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.