If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-