If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
let’s discuss
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war