if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]