If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.