If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons