If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!