If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.