If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Oh my God.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.