If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire