If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same