If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally