If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
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[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here