If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Cndnsd Mlk
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.