If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.