If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.