If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.