If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
You wish you had this many chins.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?